After
this strange steeping in blood, straps of binding are placed upon the mind and
logic is replaced by forceful tightening of arbitrary constraints. Children are
separated from anything that would help them relate to peers by removing from
them any access to popular culture. In the 80’s I wanted to wear tutus and
gloves. I was told that because Madonna was the one that started that look, I
was not allowed because I would be taking on the appearance of evil. I did not
know who Madonna was, I liked tutus and the stores carried quite a few of them.
Tut tut noises were made and my access to pop culture was further denied. Music
that encouraged dancing, fun or thinking was switched off. In its place came
boring repetitive choruses that seek to point the mind in only one direction,
the things that the church wants us to believe in. I remember one children’s
song that I thought was pretty at the time. I see how very much the words are
meant to dull and stupefy. They are as follows, “Father I adore you. Lay my
life before you. How I love you. Jesus I adore you. Lay my life before you. How
I love you. Spirit I adore you. Lay my life before you. How I love you.” We
could divide the room in three sections and sing it in a round. The desired outcome
was a willingness to do whatever a church leader representing God told us to
do.
We were
taught to avoid places that served beer and wine. There was a lovely German
restaurant in our little town that served amazing food. Everyone went there for
Schnitzel, sauerbraten, and bienenstich cake. At the peak of their fame, they
flew said cake to the White House for Regan. I never sampled it—because Jesus
would not approve. Do I even have to say what the broken and horrific views on
sex that existed? Let us just say, “abstinence was demanded, expected, and our
lives were controlled.” (Rene and I will address the subject of sex more deeply
in a different post.) If a child or teen thought that these rules were just
ridiculous the emotional equivalent of putting a hand on a car battery took
place. Small children are spanked and teens are shamed and shunned. Tough love
in the form of kicking out or excommunication took place. I once heard a pastor
say, “If a person that leaves the faith, I would pray for them suffering so
that they will come back to the faith that will heal them. If they hit rock
bottom, there is nowhere to look but up.” When I was a Christian I thought that
was so asinine I thought how wishing ill on someone else was not the heart of
the message we are to give out.
The
biggest weapon that Christian use to bind the mind of children is the threat of
hell. I was told over and over again that all my unsaved friends and family
members were going to hell. I sobbed into my pillow at night howling at the
loss of my loved ones. I was 9. I swore to always cling to precious, blood
covered Jesus so that I would be safe in his arms. I could not even say,
“Hell.” The word caused such paralyzing fear that it choked in my throat and
images, I had been shown at church, of burning people with black burnt skin
writhing in agony. This, above all the
other straps of constraint, trapped me and held me down. I even came to the
place where I knew that it was rubbish to think that the other good people I
knew not saved would go to eternal damnation. But I would. I was the chief of
sinners and had that thought ground deeply into my head. “Karen you are the
chief of sinners, we all are. Without Jesus, you will pay for your sins.”
I
did manage to free myself and will continue on that topic in my next blog. It
felt like crawling through razors that left tattered trails behind them
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