The Abuse of False Morality

               I have friends of all ages from around the globe, and last year at this time one of my dearest friends introduced me to a song entitled “It’s a Sin,” by the Pet Shop Boys. It is a sarcastic “not” apology to the people in the singer’s life who made him feel dirty or deficient just for wanting to be human. He laments how all of everything he had ever done was a horrible sin. Now, he is being utterly sarcastic, but honestly that is just about how I was raised. We actually joked that the only vice we had left was food. The sad fact was they were wrapped up entirely on a completely false and arbitrary morality that has nothing to do with real applicable ethics. Here are the lyrics.  The church of my past was really intent on making sure I knew what sins “really” were all while not being bothered to teach me about the crimes against humanity they were committing in Jesus name.

               According to me, “False sins” are the arbitrary actions chosen to be sins out of a false interpretation of the Bible or out of a rigid reaction to a perceived flaw in culture. We were to never ever masturbate, to think thoughts of being attracted to another person, be gay, wear our hair the wrong way, wear our clothes the wrong way, listen to secular music, date unsaved people, or dance. Vague ideas about helping those less fortunate than ourselves never were carried out and left us feeling guilty for not doing much about those hungry in our town. I would hear about how we can’t help the homeless because this would enable them to behave badly. We could only get them to first adhere to our false morality then we could help them. NO consideration was given at all to trying to understand why people do what they do and how they end up in dire circumstances anyway. There was no grace, no compassion, and no understanding only the endless, pointless litany of what could not be done. This resulted in a group of young adults that had no idea how to handle the pressures of life, relationships, personal health, and social interactions. For me, real sins are those that ignore the needs of fellow men and cause damage. Adults having consensual sex outside of marriage is not the same as rape. One of these actions is not a sin and the other most definitely is. I was taught to care way more about my extramarital interactions and that rape is ok in a marriage situation.

               This inward focused group of believers that had a false sense of superiority left behind the youth group, got married, and began to raise children in the exact same way as they were. No one facing real problems are ever helped and the needs of the poor just continue to grow. It began to tear at my mind how the hungry continually get hungrier and the churches continually get bigger. None of the money used to build fancy pants buildings or pay the many pastors actually go to doing the work that Jesus asked them to do. Feed the hungry and clothe the orphaned. The fact that these chores remain largely undone is unconscionable to me. It is the greater lapse of morality and failure. That the American church has enough money multiple times over to solve world hunger and yet fails to do so makes their obsession with genitals completely and utterly sinful.

               The worst part is how they make their own members feel completely awful constantly. The holders of the tithes tell their members to go out and solve the world’s hunger issues with any money they have left over. I was told by my last church that my donations to Heifer International were by no means counted towards a tithe. All of our ten percent charitable donation was to be made to the church without withholding any to be considered for membership and then if I wanted to give any extra that was between me and the Lord. For my situation, that was no burden, but I thought of those that do not have extra in the bank account.

               My hope is that the church will start to teach love, sexuality, and responsibility with open minds and hearts caring less about genitalia placement and more about consent. Instead of passing harsh judgement on young, struggling single mothers why not pass out condoms and sex education that prevents unwanted pregnancies in the first place? Instead of ignoring the homeless population and blaming them for their problems, why not learn about the issues of mental illness which so often result in homelessness and drug addiction and help those people become productive members of society again? Instead of handing out fake money salvation tracts, why not give food to the hungry? Instead of handing out platitudes and prayers, why not blankets and clothes? So much of what the church is hung up on has no bearing at all on the greater good of humanity. It only gives a false sense of superiority to those that adhere to a bunch of hypocritical nonsense. If you are going to believe in Jesus, get His biggest message right. “Care for the widows and orphans [the most in need of his time] for this is religion.” 

J.O.Y.

               There is so much in those three little letters. For people outside of evangelical Christianity, it is a word that means intrinsic happiness. Here, I’ll copy and paste the Merriam Webster’s definition:

1. 1a :  the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires :  delight :  the expression or exhibition of such emotion :  gaiety
2. 2:  a state of happiness or felicity :  bliss
3. 3:  a source or cause of delight.

For me, those three little letters bound and controlled me. For all of you reading this that have suffered at the hands of teachers and youth leaders with this acronym, you are already tensing up. J.O.Y. in the hands of conservative Christians means this: Jesus, Others, You.

               I can see all of you uninvolved people scratching your heads. Let me unpack the pain of this philosophy. As a small child in Christian school, I was taught this acronym as being the secret to the true feeling of joy. I could have real and lasting joy if I put Jesus very first in my life. Now, what this looked like was constant Bible reading, constant praying, and unquestioning allegiance to the church and its leadership. I think you can spot the main difficulty there. As a small child, reading the King James was really difficult. Now, they said that the King James was the God approved version and the Holy Spirit would help me understand the words. (He never did, by the way. I didn’t understand the majority that stuff until an NIV was placed in my hands as a teen. Even then, what I thought I understood was terrible, but that is a different blog for a different day.) The Bible reading obviously had very little impact on me for a very long time. Next up was the constant praying thing. Well, I have ADHD and Autism. Focusing my mind on a person whose words I could not understand and whom I could not see, was just not possible. When a grown up prayed, it sounded like this: “OH! Thou great KING OF ALL! We humbly prostrate ourselves in front of Thine Eternal Throne! We bring to Thee our needs and requests because thou in thine kindness and love have commanded us to bring them thus. We shall ask in all obedience and humility that thou wouldst hear our supplications and ………..” Well, but now I was soundly asleep and absolutely could not understand what the goodness gravy was being said. Neither could I even begin to speak like that. So, prayer was out. That left me unquestioning allegiance to the church and its leadership. I had no other choice. The J part was outward conforming and obedience to that which did not have my best interests in mind nor could I really understand. This did untold damage to my mind and was in essence programming. I wanted that JOY and if I had to do what horrible, abusive teachers and pastors said, then I had to have JOY!! It was needed. Right?

               Next is the “others” part of our awful acronym. I was told that after I made Jesus the top priority of every part of my life, I should then consider every other person’s needs before my own. This is great for leadership because the church needs free labor….erm… volunteers to keep the corporation….erm….ministry running smoothly. So, members who came looking to being emotionally fed are now being told that they should really look to serving others. Free Daycare….erm…nursery for services, free janitorial to cut down on costs, free catering…erm… food ministry, free gig work from musicians (Although, I have noticed in the music side of things the church gets what it pays for, in general.), free event planning, free anything the church leadership needs in the name of giving their members the things they need to be cared for. Did you spot the difficulty here?! The people who are supposed to receive the help are the ones giving the help. In small group, I personally poured out all I had for everyone in need in the group. I made food, gave money to help cover needs, bought groceries for, had people over for dinner, treated people to countless lunches and coffees, GLADLY and STILL DO. However, the problem was that when I fell into need, no one was there. They had disappeared completely and when I asked, I was seen as whiny. I learned that I was to pour everything I had out to everyone else, only to receive nothing in return when I needed to be the other in their JOY. I do not mind not getting anything in return, I still give but now I firmly know in my heart there will absolutely not be anything in return from the vast majority regardless of what they were taught about JOY.

               After you ran around pleasing Jesus and meeting everyone else’s needs, to your detriment, whatever you might have left over of your personal resources you could then apply to you. Oddly enough Jesus and the Others were never there to help you along. This leaves empty people, with no idea who they are, looking to religion for identity, peace, and getting needs met. If they do not feel real joy after following the false rules of JOY, they must be somehow to blame. It isn’t because they flew in the face of established, proven psychological thought that states, “The key to helping a person be successful and able to help others is helping the person in question to love him or herself.” So in typical and literally crazy making fashion, the church tries to convince people that psychology, that has been proven in case study after case study after case study up to the hundreds of thousands, is wrong. They need to find their purpose and identity in denying themselves and living out JOY. They are literally to lay aside their genetically given personality and identity and take on the identity of the religion. It is all about looking to the religion for forming an identity rather than learning how the world works. The crushing reality is that their own identity was already inside of them and not deficient. Churches first convince you your identity is broken and that you must align it to what they believe in order to matter and not be broken. What you get is a group of people with no idea who they really are looking to narcissistic leaders telling them how to be regardless of whether or not this will damage them in the long run.

               If you are recovering from this high level of manipulative programming all I can say is LOVE YOURSELF. You are not deficient. You are not sinful. You are good. If you are in a group of people claiming the opposites of those truths, you may want to consider yourself a victim of church abuse.

Stepping Out

            I have likened brainwashing, in my blog entitled “The Tiesthat Bind,”to the pain of Chinese foot binding only for your mind. I grew up with thick tight cords wrapped around my thought processes like vices. I was an adult that thought that believing in a 6000-year-old Universe was true salvation, having an occasional glass of wine was backsliding, that there was something really suspicious about dancing, and sex outside of marriage was the WORST thing a person could do. (Don’t even ask about being a homosexual.) I was brittle, judgmental, opinionated, and had no proper support for any of it. I cringe as I think about who I was.

               I started to break out of it in my teens with music. I needed music. I craved the music. Alternative rock had hit the scene like a clap of lightening and I LOVED the noise and honesty of it. It wasn’t always pretty and it spoke openly about the dark side of emotions as well as the bright side. I found Green Day to be particularly refreshing. Then came Soundgarden and the power of Chris Cornell’s voice. I had to have the freedom to explore this amazing sound. The cord binding my brain started to unloose. I started to stretch that part out. I wanted to use my money from my job to buy albums I wanted and I knew I had to stand up for myself to my parents. So I did. I had my own car with its own radio and I told them I would listen to the music that I wanted to. We argued and they yelled and I yelled but I needed more input about the world than what I was getting and they were actively stopping me. It made me very uncomfortable because the music had true words.

               The process of breaking free of it happened the same way every time. Often an internal argument. The programming would scream inside my mind and I would scream back at it. The dominoes started to fall. Creation left as my fiancé informed me he did not believe in a literal 6000-year long creation of the universe. He started talking about billions of years and star light. The programming fought and struggled in my churning brain. I screamed. I cried. I railed. My brain felt like it was on fire. I did not know that this was a neurotic response due to intense programming with punishment and reward. The punishment for questioning was loud and laden with statements like, true Christians believe this. If you do not believe this you are not a true Christian and as a child all I wanted to be was TRUE. I knew my fiancé was a believer, but he also did not hold to this 6000 year nonsense. I was wrecked as evidence surrounding my senses was directly opposed to what had been drilled into my head.

               The reason it was such a HUGE battle was that I had been completely brainwashed with I should only ever marry a TRUE believer and if he weren’t a TRUE believer then our relationship was over. I loved him so much and I had been planning this marriage for years. I was literally torn in pieces with the pain of losing the relationship or holding on to my faith. The two bands tightening my brain in this stretched and snap and my mind took on a more normal shape. After the very difficult process, I saw he was still a true believer and that science matters. That has only continued to expand.

               The process of breaking free is a fight against what was done to your own mind.

1. When a bound piece is challenged, it will cause a violent storm of emotion called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the feeling that happens when irrefutable evidence is presented that conflicts a firm belief. The two violently clash in a flurry of broken thought that must be processed. It must be recognized that the feelings aren’t real. Proof is proof. Dismissing irrefutable evidence is not logical. An emotional detachment must take place. You may end up keeping the belief or you may except evidence, but whatever you do, don’t decide in that horrible emotional state of violent anxiety.

2, If you can see a change needs to take place, slowly let it happen. There is no hurry. The more push it, the more that it will damage you. Work a process of detached review. Meditate to calm the emotional response. Realize that you are facing this so that you can be the best version of yourself.

3. Give yourself grace to be wrong. It is ok. It really is.

4. Accept that the programming might be right and make peace that now it is a belief you choose and are free to reexamine without damaging yourself.

                 By looking at what it is you want and solid logic, you can break the programming. A wise friend once told me to never believe that which insults your mind. In my case, I could not believe that which insulted my intelligence or my emotions. Belief in hell crumbled not only because it was illogical, but because it is just emotionally damaging that all my non believing family and friends were headed for an aware eternity in abject torment. It became the litmus test for any new input. Which idea insulted my mind more and is the logic sound for the new belief? Is the idea emotionally abusive or offensive? These were the most important keys for me. The other secondary key was that irrational anger was a red flag that I was fighting programming and not giving the new information a fair shake. Finding a way to break the programming is extremely important for your own mental health and I hope my thoughts on it can lead you to a more peaceful process. You can still believe in Christianity if you would like, but do not believe anything just because you were abused and brainwashed. Believe it because you accept it for yourself.

Missionary Crimes

               I remember the special missionary evenings at church very well. I loved how the deacons would lower the lights and then roll out the slide projector. The anticipation of learning about foreign countries and seeing the vibrant stills on the screen became overwhelming. I loved the way the colors would explode and look so strangely bright and the missionaries would talk about what we were seeing in the picture. From Peru, beautiful mountains and scenes involving the natives leading llamas laden with supplies up and down said mountains. From France, pictures of lovely buildings and art. From Africa, sweeping plains with elephants at watering holes and beautiful smiling children. My eyes glowed and I eagerly listened for the powerful stories that would come from far flung places. The bottom line was “Missionaries are super hero celebrities and mega holy people that are extra close to God in following his calling through Jesus’ "great commission.” 

               Well, that was the image shown us, but when I took a closer look when I was an adult, I was appalled at what I uncovered. The missionaries of my childhood where on one level abused and tortured creatures and on another level, many of them were abusive bullies.

               Missionaries started their journey of being a missionary by becoming Christians. After the thorough indoctrination of that step, they were exposed to teaching that made them aware that serving as a missionary in a foreign country is the highest and best calling in the church. As far as callings go, it is more holy and special than Pastor even. Pastors get to stay at home in their own culture with their own families, “the pansies.” Missionaries have the tremendous courage to go to some horrendous corner of the third world for their entire professional lives, not to improve said corner, but to proselytize it. Sure, orphanages or Christian schools might be built, but it is never any real change. (When you look at the appalling things done in Kenya in the name of Jesus, the true heritage of missionary work can be clearly seen. More on that later.) Then, after our perspective missionary hears that they work in the third world is the best thing he could possibly do, he feels moved by God to do so. I don’t know. I think he wants to be more holy or special. God has nothing to do with it. There is so very much pressure to do this work that the nicer, or needier for approval, feel the need to step up and do this sacred work. After “God” laid it on their hearts, they find out that they must go to seminary first to do this work. Four years of REALLY expensive schooling at an approved seminary, like Cedarville or Cornerstone. Training does not include language. After he is assigned a country, they do not even get to pick, they must complete a year of language and culture training at a different expensive school. You ask, “Now they are ready to be missionaries, right?” NO! They aren’t! After they have spent an extremely large amount of money, they now must raise all of their support to get paid from churches that approve of their message. This is why churches like mine had missionary weeks. The missionaries were flat out begging for money to go do this extra holy work. Do you think a church would take the missionary on as a fully paid employee like the pastors?? Nope. They make the super holy missionaries beg shamelessly. It is just flat out abusive and contrary to all that they say they feel about the calling of missionary. Well, this must make the missionary a bit bitter, because they then go to the mission fields and do this:

               All through my past, it was taught that white, American Christians and churches were the ideal. God could really only be praised accompanied by piano or, if there was not enough money, guitar. And believe me guitar was only seen as a desperate last resort. Local, traditional, native music was always evil, especially in Africa. According to the church at large of the 1950’s-1990’s, and currently the cult denominations, rock and roll music was made out of the “demon inspired” drum beats from Africa brought to the US by slaves. (Now, I want to stay professional in my blogging. However, if you are not exposed to this teaching, you might have shock growing inside you as you read that. So, I say, “I shit you not.”) Pastors taught from the pulpit that Rock and Roll music was evil because of African drum beats that were absolutely the result of worshiping demons. You see how awkward it was for missionaries from America in Africa. They could not allow the demon filled instruments in their church services. English and American hymns were brought in hymnals and translated word for word into the native language and sung with piano. They sculpted the “backwards,” “tribal,” “carnal,” Africans into good white-“esque”, American Christians. It needs to be understood clearly these churches were not the more welcoming and kind versions in the States. The missionaries were extra special holy so they were extra special fundamentalist. They brought the WORST sort of fundamentalism to these new believers and brain washed them into blind belief. Truthfully, they exchanged one “backwards, uneducated” world view for another equally “backward, uneducated” world view. This is being played out particularly in Kenya where the teachings of rabid fundamentalism took off under the passionate preaching of one James Bisset.

               I was raised to see this man as a SUPER HERO. He was like a missionary uber celebrity . All of us wanted to be him or be like his very precious and holy wife. I see now that he represents everything I hate about my past church. He founded Bisset Bible College where they have trained up sincere fundamentalist pastors that spew the hateful garbage from the church of my childhood. 700 of them wrote a letter toPresident Obama last year when he visited Africa. This Christian blog site supports it. All I can think about is the untold suffering and hurt that James Bisset is responsible for.  Kenyan women who are living under fundamentalist male headship marriages and the homosexuals that are in fear of prison time or worse are all the spiritual heritage of James Bisset. Churches spread out their hurtful, hateful ways to the world in an effort to control all people.

               The damage done by all of this Baptist meddling needs to be undone. Real education and humanitarian aid needs to be brought in to fix this mess. The people of Africa were only taught to hate and bring hell to Earth instead of peace. No, I do not admire the Bisset brothers anymore. I see them covered in the blood of innocent victims and guilty of the crimes committed in their name.

Coaching Can Help

               I am training to be a life coach. This has shown me very much exactly how much I desire to help people and how completely good at it I really am. However, there is one area that placed in my life bewilderment. Part of the training that I am receiving is asking me to value and talk about my own spirituality. I was triggered. My entire life was all about spirituality and absolutely nothing more. My value used to come from how vacuously spiritual I could be. Spirituality then meant showing up to a large amount of Bible studies, church meetings, inspirational sing a longs, and retreat weekends. It did not mean “valuable internal work of any lasting importance,” despite the fact that so many of the meetings stated that very intention as the reason for gathering. Disheartened from the cruelty inherent in religious teachings, I left religion and felt safety and peace in the arms of atheism. Atheism still represents mental health, lack of manipulation from imaginary beings, and finally learning real truths of science, empirical thought, and sound logical conclusions based on reality rather than fiction. I felt profound relief and solace in a way of thinking that valued me, my mind, and my experiences instead of the opinions of a really petty and angry god that held “sinners” on a thin thread over a “flame.”

               When asked over and over again in the iPEC coaching training program to define my spirituality and what is my satisfaction level with my spirituality, I was deeply upset. I wanted to type FUCK OFF! N/A!! and I am very, very, EXTREMELY satisfied with that!!! But I wasn’t. I knew that I still have a personal internal life that interprets and informs my external life and I must find some healthy way of describing that work and well, actually valuing it. I did what all modern day First World citizens do in any such crisis of identity and educational need, “I googled.”

               At first, I looked at quotes and ideas and this flashed in me a remembered idea. I could not track down the source of this quote but it feels Shakespearean. I still can’t find who said it first, “The mind is the seat of the soul.” In that quote, I found my solace, my spirituality, and my peace. Whether or not there is such a thing as soul, (I believe there is not,) the key to that phrase is that the MIND is where it would reside; it is the MIND that informs it. I love my own mind. I have found out great truths from my iPEC coaching that further removed me from the abusive religiosity of my past, “The answers to all questions lie within,” and “Each of us is greater and wiser than we appear to be.” These messages stand diametrically opposed to the teachings I received at all of those past, spiritually empty, religious activities. In all of those ENDLESS meetings I was told, “You do not have ANY answers within yourself, the ONLY ANSWERS EVER for ANYONE are in this dubious book,” and “You personally are far less and stupider than you appear to be. The folly of God is VASTLY superior to your best idea.” Those iPEC foundational truths healed my damaged past and taught me, “I can do this. I can figure out my mind and make it my spirituality.”

               The heart of my atheist spirituality is that my mental health and the keeping of my precious mind is the most holy act I can perform. Activities that support my own mental health feed a healthy internal life. I can meditate, take a walk outside, participate in mentally soothing hobbies, and vigorously remove all of that which does not serve me.
I will talk to therapists, take vitamins, and any needed medications to support its continued health. I seek to surround myself with people that feed my mental health and wellness instead of drain or worse, damage it. I run from toxicity and abuse. I pursue nourishing ideas and encouragement. I do not seek sycophantic yes people, but true, loving friends that have earned the right to speak real truths into my life out of a place of wanting the best for me. The beginning point of my spiritual health is caring for me.

               The second tier in this new spirituality is valuing the mental health of those around me. Starting with my family and closest friends, I seek to truly do unto them as I seek to have done to me. I teach them to care for themselves as their highest calling and make sure they are fully supported on their journey. I do not abuse or hurt them but only inform their journey. I make sure that those closest to me, my kids and my lovers all feel that they are completely and wholly loved to the best of my ability. I will put their mental health as a primary concern and show them it is of utmost importance.

               The third tier is that I will seek out to provide justice for those that cannot afford or access appropriate mental health care. I will seek to alleviate the stressors that cause them to not be able to focus on the precious internal work they must to do be healthy. This means I volunteer my time at homeless shelters, donate money to charities, and offer free coaching and instruction to those that do not know the way to value their mind as the most important gift they have. I will educate my friends that as Thomas Moore suggested in his book, “Utopia,” the reflection of how well our society is doing is seen in how well our poorest members live. We should seek to make the needs of our poorest a key part of our own mental health and well-being, for in this act of service, we find use and purpose. A mind without purpose is a mind that languishes.

               All people have an internal life. Whether or not they choose to inform it with a foot firmly grounded in reality or in a set of religious tomes, is personal and should not in any way receive harsh judgement. If you have found a path of spirituality that inspires and teaches you, you are a step ahead of many. I only add that any path that seeks to assert itself onto others or intrudes in their experience with a myriad of judgements and condemnation is not a path to enlightenment but manipulation. Each of us is solely responsible for the paths we choose and we need to see it as a completely personal journey. Contact me today at DelinskiLifeCoaching@outlook.com today for 2 free sessions.

Delinski Life Coaching

Leaving is Required Sometimes.

               I had a ball of fear in my stomach. I could not continue with church anymore. I could not face the nitpicking over my singing voice, my personal style, my facebook posts. I had received personal instruction on all of it. I was afraid to step in the door one more time as I knew it would only cause me more damage and pain. And yet….

               Could I face not going anymore? The ritual of dressing and going had been ingrained in me since I was born. Doing hair, picking outfits, looking nice and going to church. This was every single Sunday morning of my entire life. I hardly ever missed. How would I fill that time? How would I make friends? Would my friends still like me and speak to me? Was our relationship built on my agreement and church attendance or was it built on actually liking each other? Where would I find new friends? Could I find new friends? The church had nearly convinced me I was unlikeable.

 How could I tell my Christian husband that not only could I not attend church anymore, I cannot believe anymore? “Honey, we need to speak.” The words stuck in my throat. I searched the lines of his face and the depth of his eyes. “I just can’t anymore. I can’t attend that church and I do not think that the Bible is a real holy book. I do not think that we can put our faith in it and I have serious issues with belief in Hell. I just can’t damn my unsaved friends to hell and be at peace anymore.” My fear overwhelmed me as I awaited the response. He was quick to let me off the hook of attendance. He had watched me suffer. Belief was the harder pill to swallow and we are still working it out.

I left the church and could no longer continue. I created my own brand new ritual. I filled my tub, turned off the lights, and soaked in the water. I listened to the only voice that really matters: my own. Peace suffused my soul and comfort filled my heart. As for friends, it is very easy to walk up to people and say, “hi.” That is all it really takes. I am not unlikeable and have made many new friendships. I am taking yoga. I am getting into crochet/knit clubs. I have a myriad of interests that lead to friendships. Only difference is, these people are not standing around criticizing me and waiting for me to mess up. In fact, they seem to just accept me as I show up.

If you are sitting in a pew, scared to leave, scared to stay, I understand. I have been there. If you think you can work it out with your church, then try. However, sometimes, hurts go too deep and sting you too hard to stay. It is at that time I want you to know, whether or not you keep your faith, you can leave. You can get away from the abuse and pain.

We want to hear your leaving stories and fears comment below to let us know how you managed to get out. Or maybe even how you managed to stay.

~~Karen. 

Soul Searing Sermons

               I was born again and saved for 38 years. That was 38 years of listening to sermons. Most Sundays I was there in the front slightly to the left of the speaker. Looking up with my head cocked to the right, I sat in with my heart ready to hear what God had to say this week. For you see, God had spoken personally to my pastor while my pastor prayed. He knew what I needed to hear from God and on this day, he was going to tell me. Sadly, it was very seldom that I was a good person.

               All sermons start out by thanking us for coming. Pastors spend a lot of time telling the congregation that they are deeply loved and cared for. There is mention over and over again that we are needed for the work and ministry and our presence is valuable and important. I would sit there and soak up the praise for I was one of the very best attenders. If there were star sticker charts, my line would have more than anyone else’s in it. I loved hearing what God wanted to tell me. I loved being appreciated for just showing up. I would pull out my ENORMOUS BIBLE and a pad of paper and open my listening ears.

               Every Sunday it would start with the pastor reading a passage from the Bible. I would excel at trying to guess what points he would make and which accepted doctrine he would teach. What the pastor in question chose to do next would determine what I thought of the sermon, because I knew what I would preach out of that passage--if I as a woman were allowed to preach. After reading the passage and praying that God would open our hearts, the man would start in on the passage in earnest.

               There would usually be an emotional attention getting hook. Depending on which doctrine, the pastor would dig into a funny make them laugh anecdote or a tear jerking one. Usually it would be a relatable story, which every listener can put themselves into the story and think about “what they would do in the same situation.” After the emotionally pull, the heavy points come down about how we are failing at being good people or how we can be better Christians, but the bottom line is, “You, the listener, are completely insufficient and I am going to tell you AGAIN how you need to get more, do more, be more.” During these parts of the sermon there are times I would think about the doctrines, how they were being used, how they were convicting me to change, if these doctrines were a good match for the passage chosen, and if there were better ones to draw out.

               If I felt convicted, I would examine the reasons why. According to scripture, was I failing? Every time I found ways to find that I was deficient. I would over and over and over again feel like no matter which doctrine was applied, the Spirit was speaking to me. I was indeed a sinner in need of progressive sanctification. Jesus had to send more of the spirit to purge the evil from me and if I was really struggling with a “set in” sin, I would go forward for prayer or talk it over with a friend. Always, the answer was found in more connection with the church and in more connection with Jesus and clearer and better teaching from the Bible. The ever elusive true interpretation needed to be heard and applied. The only way I could hear and apply would be to keep attendance up. The overall message was, “Don’t worry if you don’t have low esteem you will have by the time we are done with you for the purpose of giving you a made up cure.”

               It is very clear to me that the point of the Sunday morning sermon was to make me feel in one point special for attending, and in another point completely broken and NEEDING to attend. Both hooks are equally applied into the deepest insecurities of the human psyche. I need to be seen as special and I am fundamentally flawed and in need of a cure. I found my way free by seeing that I am extremely unique and I am not in any way, shape, or form broken. As soon as I embraced these truths about myself wholeheartedly, I truly was redeemed from this poisonous way of thinking.

               

The Ties that Bind

                Last time I wrote on the subject of legalism; I spoke specifically to the issue of music. I was never allowed the secular music of my current era until I stood up for myself and started driving my own car with its own radio, but with this blog I want to comment on the fact that a legalistic mindset kills that which it seeks to improve. Legalism is a slow binding of the mind that causes fracturing and damage. I instantly think of the ancient Chinese fashion statement of female foot binding. The women would very slowly tighten straps around the feet of children until the foot was crippled and deformed; useless. This is a quote from an article I found on the practice, “The process of binding feet (also known as “lotus feet”) started before the arch had a chance to fully develop – somewhere between the ages of 4 and 9. After soaking in warm herbs and animal blood, the toes would be curled over to the sole of the foot and bound with cotton bandages.”  The adult female could fit in tiny and delicate shoes, but she could not walk anymore. She was reliant on servants to carry her about. This is precisely the image of the legalistic way of life. For Christianity, I instantly thought on the horrible songs I was forced to sing, I even started liking the songs. Some were lively and fun, but they had lyrics like this. “Are you washed in the blood, in the life giving blood of the lamb? Are you sins forgiven is your life made new? Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?” Soaked in blood is a very real image to me. I was steeped in my savior’s blood constantly and reminded of that life giving fount. I was to imagine it pouring over my soul and cleansing it.

               After this strange steeping in blood, straps of binding are placed upon the mind and logic is replaced by forceful tightening of arbitrary constraints. Children are separated from anything that would help them relate to peers by removing from them any access to popular culture. In the 80’s I wanted to wear tutus and gloves. I was told that because Madonna was the one that started that look, I was not allowed because I would be taking on the appearance of evil. I did not know who Madonna was, I liked tutus and the stores carried quite a few of them. Tut tut noises were made and my access to pop culture was further denied. Music that encouraged dancing, fun or thinking was switched off. In its place came boring repetitive choruses that seek to point the mind in only one direction, the things that the church wants us to believe in. I remember one children’s song that I thought was pretty at the time. I see how very much the words are meant to dull and stupefy. They are as follows, “Father I adore you. Lay my life before you. How I love you. Jesus I adore you. Lay my life before you. How I love you. Spirit I adore you. Lay my life before you. How I love you.” We could divide the room in three sections and sing it in a round. The desired outcome was a willingness to do whatever a church leader representing God told us to do.

               We were taught to avoid places that served beer and wine. There was a lovely German restaurant in our little town that served amazing food. Everyone went there for Schnitzel, sauerbraten, and bienenstich cake. At the peak of their fame, they flew said cake to the White House for Regan. I never sampled it—because Jesus would not approve. Do I even have to say what the broken and horrific views on sex that existed? Let us just say, “abstinence was demanded, expected, and our lives were controlled.” (Rene and I will address the subject of sex more deeply in a different post.) If a child or teen thought that these rules were just ridiculous the emotional equivalent of putting a hand on a car battery took place. Small children are spanked and teens are shamed and shunned. Tough love in the form of kicking out or excommunication took place. I once heard a pastor say, “If a person that leaves the faith, I would pray for them suffering so that they will come back to the faith that will heal them. If they hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to look but up.” When I was a Christian I thought that was so asinine I thought how wishing ill on someone else was not the heart of the message we are to give out.

               The biggest weapon that Christian use to bind the mind of children is the threat of hell. I was told over and over again that all my unsaved friends and family members were going to hell. I sobbed into my pillow at night howling at the loss of my loved ones. I was 9. I swore to always cling to precious, blood covered Jesus so that I would be safe in his arms. I could not even say, “Hell.” The word caused such paralyzing fear that it choked in my throat and images, I had been shown at church, of burning people with black burnt skin writhing in agony.  This, above all the other straps of constraint, trapped me and held me down. I even came to the place where I knew that it was rubbish to think that the other good people I knew not saved would go to eternal damnation. But I would. I was the chief of sinners and had that thought ground deeply into my head. “Karen you are the chief of sinners, we all are. Without Jesus, you will pay for your sins.”

               I did manage to free myself and will continue on that topic in my next blog. It felt like crawling through razors that left tattered trails behind them

Fundamentalism 101

               I need to impress upon you the craziness in which I was raised. The churches had rules that I knew were absolutely horrendous and that my parents did not agree with. These rules we kept while only in public, mostly. The one that my family adhered to was no contemporary music. Never was I allowed to see the brand new channel MTV nor could I listen to my radio. In my early years I could have Christian children’s music and Disney music. I withered inside. As I grew to be 10, I got my own small radio alarm clock and I was allowed to listen to the oldies station. In the early 1980’s I was listening to the Beatles and Stones, the Monkeys and Supremes. I loved this music but I was out of step with everyone around me. When I went to the mall or pizza place with my family the wonderful sounds I was denied would sneak into my mind and fill me with curiosity. I’d think, “What was that wonderful sound? Why can’t I listen to it?”

               Michael Jackson, Wham, and Duran Duran swirled in the background and were ever out of my reach. I felt like I just wanted to hear and understand the people around me. I wanted so badly to know more of these sounds. Snatches of musical hook and lyric phrases drove my curiosity. And yet, I knew my mother would be angry. I knew that punishment would come.

               I stayed in this state, content with the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s but I learned that liking this music as weird and uncool. Nobody but me liked Jethro Tull and Smokey Robinson. No one in my class ever heard of the Kinks or the Bryds. I was an outsider. When they wanted to speak of their music, I knew nothing of it. They mocked and belittled me. I faithfully obeyed. Until….

               I was given a car. It had its own little radio and I thought, “I’m old enough to drive, I’m old enough to listen to whatever I damn well please.” It was then the 1990’s Green Day and Collective Soul filled my ears and made me feel alive. Pearl Jam spoke to my pain. I danced to House of Pain and I moved to Crystal Waters. The sounds I had missed from the 1980’s started to slowly move into my mind and I could comment on songs and artists I started to learn. Ever since then, I have had an insatiable desire to learn the music, know my culture, and live in the now. I found that the music was more than passing entertainment, music is a passion in my heart and fills me with emotion and joy. Removing it from my ears, damaged a part of me that was built up by collecting the sounds that helped me feel. Music soothes and excites my mind and keeps me happy. Often, I just love to sit and soak up sounds. When friends post music on Facebook, I feel like a child scooping up pieces of candy. It seems odd, but I feel connected to the place I live in and the culture that surrounds me.

               Fundamentalism is a way to separate people from what makes them feel alive. When you remove that which is loved, the victim starts to die a little inside. So, swing by Hashtag Church Crimes on Facebook and #ChurchCrimes here and drop me a link to your favorite song. I will reply with what is inspiring me right now. 

Church Abuse Should be a Crime.

     Welcome to #ChurchCrimes. I hope you were able to find us from what was formerly "Stop Church Hurt." Ross Balmer and Karen Delinski will be writing content and moderating this page as an awareness of what Church abuse is.
      Church abuse is particularly hard on Christians. We show up to church ready to believe and ready to serve others for the good of humanity and the reputation of Jesus. We throw ourselves into a body of believers thinking that these people are like a wonderful extended family. For some this continues on, but for many people, this relationship turns painfully toxic and laden with abuse. The pastor that was so eager to be your new shepherd, friend, and guide now has turned, judge, jury, and executioner. This often leaves the church member with feelings of hurt, confusion, and sometimes PTSD.
     My experiences with church abuse started when I was very small. I was raised in a fundamentalist cult and sent to school at a Christian school within that cult. I am left with scars and neurosis that I will chronicle as I continue on in this blog. My fellow blogger, Ross Balmer, is my partner and counter point. He was raised by people who let him choose what he wanted to believe and ended up athest. He has a completely outside view on the church. From his perspective, things are not very pretty either. He will share his ideas on views on the damage of church from a uniquely outsider perspective.
     Thank you so much for your interest. As we start up, I will be bringing my own content from Stop Church Hurt and will be writing on several topics having to do with church hurt including how I came to atheism and the damage done to my sexual development. I am looking forward to sharing this journey with you.

Delinski Life Coaching